Christians scare the krap out of me

I was one of those kids who grew up in church, I always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do, and well quite honestly I was a goody two shoes.   As I've gotten older Ive struggled in my walk with God, I've struggled in how I live my life, and who I am or are not. What people didn't know is that as equally as i am passionate, so I struggle with dark and twisty scary things. Things that I fear to bring to another believer because of the judgment i have received and sometimes I'm scared to receive.

Deep down inside in the dark and twisty recesses of my heart I've always feared the judgment that other christian's could place on me. I look out over the world of my peers and the trends I see are the things christian's condemn the most.  I think we live in a time where promises are meant to be broken, where family is traditionally messed up, Divorce is normal, where sex is a guarantee but love never is, women turn to other women because men have hurt, abused and abandon them, men turn to men because well.. not  sure about that one, these are the norms of our time. These are the trends I see written in the sand and as a believer I've tried so hard to be that one person that is not those things, constant, loving, caring, I see Jesus in them.   Somewhere deep inside I fear this idea that how I live my life is never going to be good enough, that my witness won't be enough. 

IN 2010 after coming out of a tough church environment and running from christians and God as a whole I was led by a wonderful woman of God to take Perspectives. Perspectives taught me to not just read the stories in the bible but to look at the story of the bible.


Taking Perspectives for the first time changed my theology so much, as a believer it changed the way I viewed God and its slowly changing the way I view believers and non believers alike and it changed the way I live. Sometimes I toe all to much that line between being in the world and of the world, where bible verses begin to roam around in my head of "everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial."



I love Jesus, I do, with every fiber of my being but I've struggled in loving his church, all to often struggling with the concepts of "christianity" some of which are not found among the pages of the bible. 

If the gospel is meant to break free and look differently in every culture (of course still in line with the bible) why would it be any different for people?  Each person is equipped  differently to be like Paul and Barnabas, like Peter and John Mark. Each one of those men was called to a different ministry and to take the gospel and plant it differently, than it would in the Jewish nation. Paul was called to plant it among the gentiles (probably a good reason most of us are believers today), Patrick among the celts, he de roman-nized the gospel and  brought it to the celts,  Adonirum Judson de westernized the gospel and brought it to the current day Myanmar.

 All of that to say, Christians still scare the krap out of me, they scare me because to them I am strange, I don't care about tradition, as a 20 something my life and my struggles sometimes I think are the things the church is most phobic of.  I'm trying, I'm trying to view them differently but all to often I find that  I can look at a nonbeliever who doesn't know any better and its easy for me to condemn a believer because they should know better.  I love that Ally Spotts is bringing this whole confession thing out, but that scares me to. Confession is hard, but if we can learn to see in each other Jesus, maybe just maybe we can help each other along the way.  I want to see Jesus in you.

Music

How can words, a beat, a melody, a bass
Cut so deeply? How can one song, see through
and call us on our krap?

There are days when those three elements
speak so deeply, I try to outrun
the music pounding through my ears.

It speaks the truth about my heart
the truth I try to hide unless asked
It identifies the pain so deeply embedded,
The lies I believe, the ways I'm trying to better myself.

Today I am trying to forget you
and move on. I saw a picture this morning
and my heart ached for you.
Ached for the things that could have been
instead of the things that are.

Decisions were made, songs sung
songs written. You'll never hear
the chord progression.
Maybe just maybe you can look and see
yourself so embedded in them
That I can capture you and hold you.

Or maybe I should just let you slip from my fingers
your's ghost over mine one more time.
My other hand ghosts over your cheek one more time
For a moment music is all there is, as the notes and the beats
paint a picture of my heart, paint a picture of you.
I can touch you one more time, dance with you one more time
Love you one more time.

Reality comes crashing back in as I hear
the words that bite so deeply
and my heart bleeds, cries out, grieves.
To bad you'll never hear it or see it
among the notes on my page.

Trying.

I'm trying to lose you
Among the gestation
of my terrified mind.

I'm trying to forget you
but somehow it won't let go of you
(it holds, it tugs,clinging to the memory of you)

I'm trying to love you.
What if it's to late?
What if loving you means running.

I hate running
(You should know)
but moving on, letting you form
into a shadow in my memory
May be easier than the gestation
my mind takes and runs with.

Running away just may be easier.
The truth is just to hard to bear.
I love you, i admitted it.
(among the drunken angry argument)
we found ourselves in a state of the union mind
Our stances clear, or hearts and legs set
(not to move, not to tarry)
To bad heart and mind are not one.

Admit it. You were wrong.
Admit if. You never gave me a chance
Among these broken pieces of glass
its time to pack my bags.
Yet my fingers tarry at the shadow of you.
My lips still long for yours.
But time has moved on, and so have you.
To bad love lost, is not love found.

No love lost, no love found

The truth, the truth is hard to bear.
(the truth is I lost myself somewhere amid the pain)
I feel like a reflection of who I once was, duller, less colorful.
(I don't have any answers, don't ask. I don't know)
In trying to protect you I hurt you, in trying to be honest I pushed you away.
(I'm a reflection in a window of the girl you once knew)
Maybe it's easier to hide in my shell, no love lost, no love found.
(I'm afraid for you to see the pain, you and the creator)
Love is giving yourself away, but I think I forgot to take what another was giving.
(It's always been my own, and once again I find I long to hide behind its cool masked exterior.)
No one gets through, no one hurts me. I am strong, I am cold.
I am pain.

Quiet. Soft piano, and fingers fall across the white and black keys.
(if this could be a definition of silence then my heart would be happy)
The sun outside is setting, signaling another end, to another day.
( My heart seems to contemplate its rays as it reaches out to touch the clouds)
Darkness is falling,and the clouds are turning from gray to white.
(My heart waits, waits in the silence it creates.)
Wait, Wait oh my soul and rest in the times of plenty, the times of joy.
(The times of sorrow, the times of loneliness, the times of loss.)
Feel them deeply oh my soul, the loss the love, the joy, feel them deeply.
(watch as your world crumbles, watch as it rebuilds, watch as it is transformed.)
You'll find rest for your soul, when you find inner peace.
(its supposed to be this divine moment when all the world stops, within your heart.)
Content, content with myself. like catching a raindrop without it breaking.

Outrun a song

I tried to outrun a song today
(my feet pounding as my  breath comes in shorter bursts)
Its truth registered in my consciousness
(as I fought to deny it)
Our differences may make us fight
(but our similarities make us overlap)
Differences will make us stronger
(Similarities will make us work)
Reality intrudes as I step off the treadmill
(My muscles ache, my breath stabilizes)
today I tried to outrun the truth of a song.

Getting over you

Time moved on today
Slowly from Phoenix to Flagstaff i tried to forget you.
Stood on a bluff in my minds eyes, my arms around your waist
My head resting on your shoulder. My ears straining to hear the sound
of your heartbeat as it pulsates in your neck.
sadly its all just a conjuration of you, who I made up in my mind.
We have conversations, its just a shadow of you.
It's eyes don't hold your light, its laughter is hollow.
One last time, one last time you reached out and kissed me soflty.
Your soft lips coming in contact with mine, your hand on my cheek.
Pushing into my hair pulling me closer.
I reach out gently pushing a hand into your back pocket
and pull you flush against me as your tongue invades.
Then as the wind furls my hair I pull away gently saying goodbye.
From Phoenix to Flagstaff the anthem of "Let go" played over and over.
And from Phoenix to Flagstaff I let go of you.
Slowly tried to forget anything more than just friends.
I let my heart bleed as the sun set across the mountains
I let myself grieve and the wound within me bleed openly.
Tears fell from my eyes and I grieved.
I grieved that I am not enough, that you won't give me a chance.
This is how I move on. This is how i heal. I process
"Let go." words so easy to say yet so hard to do.
I'm slowly letting go. Today it was the softness of your lips
I'm trying to forget to remember, and the way your hand burns
in to my cheek, pushes into my hair, holding me wanting me.
Today I let go a little more.

E.E Cummings

It's been an interesting day to say the least.  Prayed and processed through many things that I needed to. I got stuck as I was cleaning my room tonight on an E.E Cummings poem.

"May my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
Whatever they sing is better than to know
And if men should not hear them men are old.

May my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if its sunday may I be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young.


And may I do nothing usefully
and love so more than truly
Theres never been quite such a fool who cuold fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile."

E.E Cummings.

MY heart liked this poem tonight because it reminded me of the silly good things in life. IN the words of this wonderful poet "May I do nothing usefully and love so more than truly."

If only it were that easy

If only it were as easy as snapping my fingers and wishing it so.
If only it were as easy as  closing my eyes and wishing you away.
I thought this would be easier, apart of me just says get angry.
If you're angry it's easier, easier to move on.
(Yet there you stand, even if its the dream of you.) 
 I watch you walk through the realms of my mind and heart.
(we have conversations about the real you.) 
I know you're a figment of what I created in my mind.
(Your skin is just a soft, your laugh still as seductive.) 
 A figment of who I can see in you, that i wanted you to be.
(Your eyes are just as blue, maybe if I close my eyes you'll be replaced by the real one. ) 
  You're not wishing away, you're not  leaving.
(I can feel your arms around me, your mouth on mine) 
Maybe just maybe, time does heal all wounds.
(But for the moment I miss you, I want you.)
My heart is on my sleeve.
(Why couldn't I be you're one and only?)

A new season

I feel it deep within me
(a restless stirring)
A new season is going to begin.
(raise your glass)
Lessons have been learned.
(pain has been suffered)
Have a drink with me.
(let us rejoice for the darkness has faded)
Light has finally come.
(It's here that poverbial light at the end of the runnel)
Here we go, strap in, the ride's about to begin.
-Copyright Adrienne Goetz

Reminded

I was reminded today of the sounds of the battlefield that I am on.  Reminded that its a battle, that all of this life is. That we live in a world between realities, that  D day has already happened so to speak. It happened on the day  that  Jesus died. Evil choked on its own venom and lost the war. Now,  now we fight for  the day when we will see victory, we fight to save all of the souls that have yet to hear of the gospel, the one of redemption.

I've been walking through the dark valley 
( Doubt, Fear, pain, loneliness, abandonment) 
The sun broke through the walls towering above me
(I squinted into the sun and felt its warmth on my face) 
I lost my faith in myself, in the one I believed in. 
(Set aside my sword, forgot what I was fighting for) 
Found a stream as i emerged, bathed, and sat. 
( Took time to heal, after watching the world crumble around me) 
My dreams left  me in that time. My fears prevailed 
(Watch the world crumble. Watch those I love suffer) 
I cut myself,  walked away from my battle, my calling. 
(I got caught up in civilian affairs.) 
Convinced myself I could be happy without you, my soul mate.
(Lived a lie. Until one day, I heard the sounds of the battlefield) 
Felt the fire burning deep within my bones, deep within my soul.
(Could feel the sword in my hand, that had become apart of me.) 
I felt the fire deep within reflect in my eyes, felt my hands burn
(Felt myself change as you touched my chest, a vision a dream?) 
Barely missed the arrow that skimmed my heart. 
(what did they aim for when they missed my heart?) 
Let out a snarl and threw myself back into the fray. 
There you were, as my sword clashed against anothers. 
(I felt your hand reach out, I shattered as light exploded my body) 
I remembered, I remembered who I was and I became alive again.
This is my calling, this is my battle. 
-Copyright Amoryn Shaddai 2011

Searching for Neverland.

I wrote a I dunno caption a few years ago called Searching For Neverland. it contained a pciture of my favorite shoes at the time (my toe shoes) and a wonderful dicotamous  outlook of searching for Neverland.

I've never been much of a blogger, but there are times in my life when I am and this seems to be one of them. I think often you'll find my blog on my photo journal rather than on an actualy blog, but for soem reason I just feel the need to  throw up on a page and get it over with. It will help me process, help my pray and hopefully make like a tiny bit less complicated.

I've always been the type of person that sees something that she wants and goes after it, and for once in my life I find that all around me has turned to dust.  I feel like I've worked so hard for the things I've always wanted in my life and there they are in a pile of dust over in the corner and I'm left in that place of wondering what will happen now. I'm left wondering what tomorrow will bring and how life will work it out and play its game with me.

Really when it comes down to it, I feel like a grown up in Peter Pan. Its like transitioning out of that 'lost boy stage' where you can feel and almost smell neverland but your nose is cut off because of maturity, and your eyes grow old and weak with age. Depressing I know,  but I feel like I've lost that Neverland hope. i grew up, I'm the adult, its all just imagination now.

Once upon a time, every now and again, I can still see the shores of neverland and my heart aches to go back to that place. To go back to the place where I 'get it right'. To go back to that place of being at peace, to go back to that place of the only worry of the day being whether or not I'll get in a foodfight or walk on the beach.

Our busyness clouds our vision of the important things in life, and I long to find those important things again.  So lift your glass, heres to the constant restless heart search for Neverland, or if you want to use the adult word, Peace, rest, life, hope.

One last thought, what titles in your life are important to you? The ones the outside world gives you? Director, doctor, lawyer, coordinator.. I dunno whatever your title is. Or are the titles that are important the ones that those you love give you. Titles like daughter, son, lover, wife, husband, mom, dad.. whats important to you?