I was one of those kids who grew up in church, I always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do, and well quite honestly I was a goody two shoes. As I've gotten older Ive struggled in my walk with God, I've struggled in how I live my life, and who I am or are not. What people didn't know is that as equally as i am passionate, so I struggle with dark and twisty scary things. Things that I fear to bring to another believer because of the judgment i have received and sometimes I'm scared to receive.
Deep down inside in the dark and twisty recesses of my heart I've always feared the judgment that other christian's could place on me. I look out over the world of my peers and the trends I see are the things christian's condemn the most. I think we live in a time where promises are meant to be broken, where family is traditionally messed up, Divorce is normal, where sex is a guarantee but love never is, women turn to other women because men have hurt, abused and abandon them, men turn to men because well.. not sure about that one, these are the norms of our time. These are the trends I see written in the sand and as a believer I've tried so hard to be that one person that is not those things, constant, loving, caring, I see Jesus in them. Somewhere deep inside I fear this idea that how I live my life is never going to be good enough, that my witness won't be enough.
IN 2010 after coming out of a tough church environment and running from christians and God as a whole I was led by a wonderful woman of God to take Perspectives. Perspectives taught me to not just read the stories in the bible but to look at the story of the bible.
Taking Perspectives for the first time changed my theology so much, as a believer it changed the way I viewed God and its slowly changing the way I view believers and non believers alike and it changed the way I live. Sometimes I toe all to much that line between being in the world and of the world, where bible verses begin to roam around in my head of "everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial."
I love Jesus, I do, with every fiber of my being but I've struggled in loving his church, all to often struggling with the concepts of "christianity" some of which are not found among the pages of the bible.
If the gospel is meant to break free and look differently in every culture (of course still in line with the bible) why would it be any different for people? Each person is equipped differently to be like Paul and Barnabas, like Peter and John Mark. Each one of those men was called to a different ministry and to take the gospel and plant it differently, than it would in the Jewish nation. Paul was called to plant it among the gentiles (probably a good reason most of us are believers today), Patrick among the celts, he de roman-nized the gospel and brought it to the celts, Adonirum Judson de westernized the gospel and brought it to the current day Myanmar.
All of that to say, Christians still scare the krap out of me, they scare me because to them I am strange, I don't care about tradition, as a 20 something my life and my struggles sometimes I think are the things the church is most phobic of. I'm trying, I'm trying to view them differently but all to often I find that I can look at a nonbeliever who doesn't know any better and its easy for me to condemn a believer because they should know better. I love that Ally Spotts is bringing this whole confession thing out, but that scares me to. Confession is hard, but if we can learn to see in each other Jesus, maybe just maybe we can help each other along the way. I want to see Jesus in you.
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